FAQ’s For Third-World Immigrants by Crad Kilodney
Q. Why there is so many nudist all up and down the street?
A. They have no place to go and cannot go in elevator.
Q. I have a hot Chevy Buick rusted in my garage, how can I peel it? A. You must strip your mother in it to ride her fast as possible.
Q. What kind of salute to a urse that is passing?
A. Place your pot behind high and wave like emergency.
Q. I have imorged into a bright light, what time it is?
A. It is nine o’clock by your watch, God willing.
Q. How can I meet some others from Serious?
A. Go to a box style and look good with a tie.
Q. What kind of dog is so bark much?
A. It is a scrounger.
Q. Where I can buy those dots of light on TV?
A. Ask a boy with a club to hit you without witnesses.
Q. Which I can read for easy Inglish, noveltys or short shosties? A. The short shosties is the pie, the odder if for cows.
Q. I want a date to whip my bum, is it allow?
A. You must register and wait quietly in bus station.
Q. Which are the blue garbage or the grey garbage?
A. For one you put the eating things go bad, the odder to make new things to throw or live in.
Q. Where do I get the hooks for to hang up peoples?
A. Go through a red door of a bureau and lick the shoes of a fat woman.
Q. What sidewalk is good to discover many valuables?
A. Follow a lady with fur coat and ask her to dig you with her nails.
Q. How is a good hair to go to welfare?
A. The people who you don’t know is a man or a woman know the best way.
Q. Can my apartment fall into the lake if the wind blow?
A. Run around it all night until your pants are wet.
Q. Why they put a chicken and dog in a metal wagon?
A. It is for a food and to make some money.
Q. Why is only a ship Toady on my channel 2?
A. Your child crib is too close, throw it to the wall.
Q. Why the Canadian men go slide on the ice with the metal thing on the shoes and chase each other?
A. It is a religion to catch fish for the children.
Q. What I do if elevator get stuck?
A. Take off you pants and call the bonger.
Q. If my family morder someone, can they be refugees?
A. They must write on the paper they was to be torchered.
Q. What is gargion crip in weck donnelds?
A. Droop off you pantys for a bogger.
Q. Why the Jehovah Witness come to my door?
A. Call the blind mullah to kill them.
Q. Where I can make friends and no catch disease?
A. The building must be very lights on so you can see the scars and bubos.
Q. If I go in somewhere for there is many lines to stand and I don’t know which line I stand, what I do?
A. Stand with the people who smell like you.
Q. Why the lady dommies in the window stand there with no clothes?
A. You can go and rub them.
Q. What is bottons to push to make the clothes be wash?
A. First, you push go, then hot, then please bicycle clean my clothes.
Q. If I slipe and fall, how much I get?
A. You get nothing or one thousand dollars, depend on how big lawyer’s nose.
Q. What is the election parties, which one is good?
A. The Literal is for immigrant, the Progistube is the big business, the New Demonstrate for the shouters with beards, the Beaver for women, and the Biting Cubist is for French gangsters.
Q. Where the goat meck beel to hampel blung wuck?
A. Bist the free wang mook wown got in for boorks.
Q. I no can find the holombiyetsis, where I go?
A. Into the Big Stronteoom Malookas.
Q. Who put the rings in the noses of girls?
A. It was the clowen did escade from the circlon.
Q. What kind of farm you have in Canada?
A. They are the froots, weed, hoag, tree, polletry, and some house fish.
Q. How is good to dress to ask for job?
A. Say hello and drop you clothing to be bongered.
Q. If I buy the X-ray video, does the polises come?
A. Lock the door and put a sign for sickness like toborculis or vagina disease.
Q. What is the best place for clean toilet?
A. Go to the Bugger King and bend over for a big friend.
Q. How I can make Canadian girlfriends?
A. You eat them and make sure they eat your friends.
by Crad Kilodney
All material at Dead Man Talking/ www.cradkilodneyarchives.wordpress.com is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.
Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9
Crad’s new writing is now at CradKilodney.wordpress.com