Dead Man Talking

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Advice on Stocks by Crad Kilodney

Advice on Stocks by Crad Kilodney

November 1999

Always buy stocks with colors in their names. Never buy stocks with animals in their names. If they have both, like Blue Bear or something, best to avoid them. Better to be safe than sorry. After all, you wouldn’t walk down a street where people have been killed by falling safes and pianos, would you? Of course not. Go down a different street for a change. You can meet different people. You could meet someone interesting, even if they’re foreign or peculiar. You never can tell, you might get invited to their house. There could be a woman involved, maybe two. Maybe the host has to go out and get your favorite beverage. (You asked for something hard to find so he’d be gone a long time.) You’re alone with the wife. Now’s your chance. Next thing you know, you’re eating her pussy like a demented monk, then it’s your stiff telephone pole up her hot, wet snatch. You had no idea how hot these foreign women were, did you? See, I told you. It’s all luck. The man could just happen to find diet tonic water in the first place he goes to, and he comes back and kills you. The equivalent thing happens to a lot of those penny stocks on the V.S.E., so don’t buy them. But this is just a hypothesis or a daydream — what accountants call “pro forma” — so let’s assume you get away with it. Don’t worry about your throbbing whacker being inadequate. When the lights are out, the Mediterranean races will stretch that cucumber to record lengths that would make the Four H Club scream with orgasmic amazement. Better to worry about dividend cuts if earnings get whacked by a non-recurring charge, or else they’ve been diddling the numbers all along and were just waiting to do some insider selling before they announced a cut, like oops, they never expected it, and I’m sure you sex werewolves get the innuendo. Meanwhile, let the mature hornbag have it in any position she wants, and a two-for-one split will let you take a whack at her neice’s crack. Next day they’ll claim they were drunk and can’t remember a thing, it was demon-stuff and nothing to feel personally responsible for. Just make sure you give them your phone number. You can’t call them because of the husband, but they’ll call you. Something to look forward to, not like those dickhead promoters trying to get you to buy some over-the-counter bulletin board crap. The point is, this all happened because you went down a different street, and it changed your life, didn’t it?

Go to conventions and trade shows and find out about new companies. It’s the only time hot babes want me to talk to them! I’m sure I could’ve gotten something going with this blonde representing some diamond company, but I just didn’t like the stock. Well, maybe I should’ve gone straight to the phone, called TD Waterhouse, bought some shares, and gone right back to her booth and said, “Now I’m a shareholder. Want to go out with me?” You don’t have to get into the kinky stuff right away, but on the other hand, they’re in Toronto for the convention, they’re ready for some thrills, so try your luck. I always dress up for these things. I don’t want them to think I’m poor or spend Friday nights doing my laundry and playing solitaire while watching the Weather Channel, even if I do. Sometimes it’s all a tease. They just want you to buy the stock, not give you a blow job in the stairwell nobody uses. As you get more experienced with stocks, you’ll get a sense of whether these convention babes are really interested or not. One time this slutcake and I were communicating telepathically, or else I just dreamed it. Anyway, the lesson is still valid.

The letter ‘X’ is unlucky for a stock. Like Bre-X. People bought it because subconsciously they were thinking of “X-rated bras” and imagined getting laid by Wendy Whoppers or something like that. Lucky for me I didn’t buy it because it was too expensive. Instead, I bought Hymex, which was cheaper, but I still lost $5,000 on it. I must have been thinking of “X-rated hymens.” Probably serves me right for not adhering to the rigid investment discipline that separates the men from the sheep. The point is, a stock has to fit your portfolio, just like a woman’s hooters need the right size bra. Seven out of ten women wear the wrong size, just like seven out of ten investors buy the wrong stocks. I know because I always look at that sort of thing.

Hikes in interest rates will make your stocks go down if you bought them for the dividend or they’re cyclical, so you want to wait till the Fed moves, although they’re hard to predict and they meet eight times a year, which is way more than I get laid. Figuring out what the Federal Open Market Committee is going to do about interest rates is one of an investor’s biggest problems. Meeting women who like German bondage videos is big, too.

by Crad Kilodney

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