2003 Winner Canadian Dickhead of the Year Award by Crad Kilodney
The polls have closed. The results are in. We are now able to announce the winners in the first ever Canadian Dickhead of the Year Contest. Your votes were scrupulously tabulated by Syd Allan and are guaranteed to be correct and honest.
We want to thank everyone who voted. The numbers weren’t as huge as we’d hoped for, but next year we’ll do better.
Your comments were excellent, and we appreciate everything you had to say about individual candidates and the contest in general. We had no idea how things would turn out. As one voter told us, “It was difficult to pick.” Another commented, “They should ALL make Dickhead of the Year!” Indeed. All our candidates scored points, confirming our view that they are all dickheads in somebody’s opinion besides our own.
But, of course, we were most interested in those candidates who succeeded in evoking the most widespread scorn and outrage. So here they are: the winners of the 2003 Canadian Dickhead of the Year Contest!
First place: Jesse Power & Anthony Wennekers
These two “artists” who skinned a cat alive in a video were in second place until the last week of voting and were pushed into first by a late flurry of votes. We consider them worthy winners. They are cruel, heartless, and repulsive. What kind of parents would raise such monsters? I’ll tell you: amoral slackers who never disciplined their children, just like the useless parents of that American Taliban punk. I think the parents should be held up to public humiliation along with their rotten kids.
But never mind what I think. Here’s what you had to say about Power and Wennekers:
|“These two deserve the same treatment they gave the cat.””In their next lives they will return as rats to be mercilessly pursued by felines, caught, playfully tortured, slowly killed, and finally devoured head first.”
“I think they should each have a finger removed so they can remember what they did in the name of art later.”
“Power and Wennekers also get bonus points for hypocrisy for their claim that they were animal rights activists.”
“These fuckers should be skinned alive and fed to the dogs.”
Second place: Michel Thibodeau
This pathetic idiot who is suing Air Canada because he couldn’t order a 7-up in French led the pack from Day One, only to be overtaken in the last lap. This guy definitely has an attitude problem. It’s hard to match him for sheer pettiness and egocentricity. If I were the President of Air Canada, I would bar this dickhead from flying ever again on my airline. Airline crews shouldn’t have to put up with a guy like this. I wonder if his co-workers despise him as much as you did.
Here’s what you had to say about Thibodeau:
|“What a no-life turd.””If you demand to see the captain of an airplane regarding the ordering of your complimentary beverage, you are an idiot and probably deserve to have your nuts stepped on by a big horse.”
“The dickhead of the century! Must be short and have a Napoleon complex.”
“Complete unadulterated asshole.”
Third place: Lucille Poulin:
The 78-year-old ex-nun who abused children in her religious commune in Prince Edward Island was challenged closely by Bruce Proulx, the disbarred Alberta lawyer who tried to bilk orphans out of $66,000. Poulin managed to hang on to third place by just a few points. A very worthy finisher, she obviously offended a lot of people as much as she offended us. Beating children is bad enough. Calling it God’s work makes it even worse.
Here is your feedback about this dickhead:
|“I’m sure she’ll burn nicely in hell.””There’s a special place for people who abuse and mistreat children.”
“Another example of organized religion’s salutary contribution to civilization.”
“She is mean and evil.”
“I can’t wait for her to meet God and have a talk about all this.”
“A psycho at large.”
The rest of the pack finished in this order:
- Bruce Proulx (charged orphans $66,000)
- Svend Robinson (gay politician supporting Yasser Arafat)
- Steve Mann (cyborg)
- Omar Khadr (killed American medic in Afghanistan)
- Unidentified Juvenile (derailed a train)
- Bonnie Brown (denounced U.S. military action in Iraq)
- Foster Griezic (says U.S. fired first in WW II)
We’re going to do this again next year, and you can help us. Keep your eyes peeled for news stories about worthy dickheads. We particularly want stories that are local or regional and might not be reported in the Toronto papers we follow. Send us clippings with the source and date clearly indicated, by snail mail only, to this address: Crad Kilodney, PO Box 54541, North York, ON, Canada M5M 4N5. Everyone who sends in a clipping will get one of my original logic puzzles, which are totally cool and fun.
by Crad Kilodney
All material at Dead Man Talking/ www.cradkilodneyarchives.wordpress.com is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.
Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9
Crad’s new writing is now at CradKilodney.wordpress.com