A Woman’s Guide to Empowerment by Crad Kilodney
If I tell you I love you, snort contemptuously and leave the room.
Treat all my gestures of affection as attempts to manipulate you.
Tease me when I need you.
Keep me waiting.
When I try to make love to you, say something to destroy the mood.
Make me ashamed of my sexuality.
See how long you can make me go without sex.
Never say you love me.
If my back hurts and I want a massage, tell me to go to a chiropractor.
Assume that my feelings don’t matter because I’m a man.
Be sweet to me only when you want something.
Exploit my desire to be a nice guy.
Get me to spend money on you because you’re “worth it.”
Don’t send me a card for my birthday or Valentine’s Day.
Refer to me as “you men.”
If I give you a gift, put it away and never use it.
If I make you a gourmet meal, say you already ate at McDonald’s.
Convey hostility with your body language as often as possible.
When I bare my soul, laugh and tell me how sick I am.
Tell me frequently that I should go into therapy.
Criticize me continually.
Remind me of my shortcomings at all times.
Do not show me simple courtesy.
Take your anger with other men out on me.
Compare me to other men.
Never let me forget my mistakes.
Learn my weak spots so you can use them against me someday.
Don’t escort me home from the hospital. Make me take a cab.
If I ask you nicely to do something for me, tell me, “I’m not your slave.”
Don’t do something important I entrusted you with, and then don’t tell me you didn’t do it.
Let me step in dog shit.
Embarrass me in public.
Provoke me until I react and then blame it on me.
Don’t let me smoke in your presence.
Start arguments about political and social issues just to annoy me and then say innocently, “We’re just having a conversation.”
Heap scorn on my interests.
Tell me what assholes my friends are.
Tell your friends what an asshole I am.
Destroy my letters and poems.
Tell vicious lies about me to damage my relationships with people I care about or depend on.
Make sure Romance is dead by administering your own mortal wound.
Dump me without any warning or without any reasonable explanation.
When I show up at your doorstep because you won’t answer my messages, call the police and charge me with harassment.
Six months after dumping me, call me and ask if we can be friends again. When I decline, say, “You’re still an asshole!” and hang up.
by Crad Kilodney
All material at Dead Man Talking/ www.cradkilodneyarchives.wordpress.com is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.
Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9
Crad’s new writing is now at CradKilodney.wordpress.com