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Category Archives: My Takeover of the CBC

My Takeover of the CBC by Crad Kilodney

My Takeover of the CBC by Crad Kilodney

Effective Sept. 1, 1999, I will be taking over the CBC to rescue it from financial disaster and artistic stagnation. Under my leadership, the CBC will be turned into a low-budget broadcaster. I will create the programs myself. Here’s a partial list of what viewers can look forward to:

Transvestite Motor Vehicle Bureau (sitcom) — Takes place in a motor vehicle bureau where all the employees are drag queens. Episodes consist of lazy clerks discussing their dates while impatient drivers wait at the wickets and scream for service.

Wimminz Sex Talk (phone-in) — Repulsive feminist academics give advice on love and sex.

Cooking With Doug (cooking) — Doug is a 21-year-old slob, and the show is taped in his apartment. He prepares such foods as corn flakes, hot dogs, and peanut butter sandwiches and then spends the rest of the show smoking pot and whining about his personal problems.

Multicultural Cinema (movies) — Slotted for midnight. Extremely cheap Wog movies with garbled English subtitles. The ad revenue from this turkey will be astronomical.

Stinky the Clown (children) — An alcoholic clown who hates children makes half-hearted efforts to amuse his live audience with games, tricks, and songs, and then lapses into gruesome recollections of Vietnam war atrocities.

Nigaboo Gangrene (sitcom) — Nigaboo is an ineffectual drug dealer in a black ghetto. Children beat him up and rob him. Each show opens with his mother calling him to dinner from the front door. Nigaboo runs home in slow-motion as the theme from the old Lassie TV show plays.

News — Slotted for the usual news time slots. Ryerson journalism students who have trouble with English read from the Toronto Sun.

Canada Rocks (music) — Taped gigs of terrible local bands performing in the worst clubs in Canada. Also features videos rejected by everyone else.

Space Warriors of Gorx (sci-fi) — Hodge-podge of special effects left over from various films and loosely adapted scripts from Leave It To Beaver, as interpreted by mental patients. Al Waxman stars, along with a bunch of unknowns desperate for work.

Sports Showcase — Taped events include dwarf-tossing from Australia, cock-fighting from Chinatown, and lots of nude oil wrestling from wherever.

Wheelchair Cowboys (western) — This series pays tribute to the handicapped pioneers who helped settle the Old West. At any rate, that’s the premise, and at $200 a script, my writers are prepared to milk it for all it’s worth.

Mission Iraq (war) — Exploits of Canada’s “Nighthawk” CF-18 squadron in the Gulf War in 1991. Pilots are desperate for real action. Each episode features some very minor engagement hyped with throbbing music and macho dialogue. Love interest is provided by lesbian forklift operators.

Police File Clerk (drama) — A nerdish clerk sits and files for an hour as an unrelated sound track of action and sound effects plays.

Glitz Girl (entertainment) — Pretentious Queen St. slut takes her camera crew and chases minor celebrities and crashes loud parties. Lots of on-camera drinking and groping.

Business Day (business) — Daily round-up of market action, hosted by a disgraced mutual fund manager who lost a ton of money on Bre-X. Frequent guest interviews with shameless Vancouver stock touts promoting useless junior mining shell companies.

Save the Earth (drama) — A Canadian environmental group consisting of hysterics and wackos harasses resource companies while struggling with their personal relationships. Lots of stock footage of trees and wildlife with a sound track of 60’s folk music.

Native Currents (aboriginal crap) — Drunken Indians in the city shout profanities into the camera for half an hour. Background puking, fighting, and pissing in doorways.

The Gay Gardener (gardening) — A middle-aged homosexual clad only in a g-string works in his garden. That’s it.

Teacher From Hell (drama) — A bad-tempered high school teacher is less interested in teaching than he is in beating the crap out of snotty teenagers. My personal fantasy.

Hell’s Half Hour (religion) — Extremist fundamentalist minister rants about eternal damnation, gun laws, and the Federal Communications Commission. Taped in rural Texas with a congregation of poor white cretins.

Infomercials — Dating club infomercials will run from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. Hosted by a German dominatrix in her dungeon, with lots of extreme S&M.

Test Pattern — Runs from 5 a.m. to 6 a.m. and contains subliminal messages urging people to kill themselves.

Crad Kilodney

Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9

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