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In Praise of Meatloaf by Crad Kilodney

In Praise of Meatloaf by Crad Kilodney

August 2002


What is the food that represents American culture? What is the food that separates the civilized man from the barbarian? What food is the true test of manhood and womanhood, the food loved by all true he-men and she-girls? What is the food that is always in good taste and always tastes good? What is the food you would eat for the rest of your life if you could only eat one food? That food is meat loaf.


Mom made it for you, and it was good, wasn’t it? You ate it in the school cafeteria, and even though you made jokes about it, you have to admit everyone ate it, right? Indeed, what would America be without meat loaf?

Let’s not take meat loaf for granted, however. Our culture is under attack from all directions. Ugly foreigners have brought their strange foods to our shores. Vegetarians are attacking meat in all forms. And radicals can’t leave well enough alone; they want to transform what is comfortable and familiar into something bizarre in the name of experimentation. We must draw a line in the sand and say “Stop!”

Do you know how to make proper meat loaf — American meat loaf? If not, I am happy to give you my recipe, based on one from a classic American cookbook.

You will need a large mixing bowl and three medium-size aluminum loaf pans. Your ingredients are as follows:

2 pounds of medium-lean ground beef (if your supermarket doesn’t have medium-lean, just buy one pound of medium and one pound of lean)

2 cups of bread crumbs (ready-made from the supermarket are fine)

¾ cup milk

2 eggs, slightly beaten

1 onion, chopped small

2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce

1½ teaspoons salt

½ teaspoon black or grey pepper

1½ teaspoons dry mustard (the secret ingredient!)

1 or 2 tablespoons of dry parsley flakes (optional)

With your washed hands, you will combine all the ingredients in the mixing bowl and blend thoroughly until the mixture is uniform. But before you do this, grease your aluminum loaf pans lightly around the inside with a little vegetable oil. Pack your mixture into the loaf pans to make loaves of approximately equal size. The pans will not be full. It’s better that way. Do not press the mixture down too much. You want a bumpy, uneven top in order to make a nicer crust.

The oven should be set for 350°F. Put the loaf pans on the middle rack. Bake for 40 minutes, then turn on the broiler (top element) for another 5 minutes to char the top and give it a nice crust. (Keep your eye on it to make sure it doesn’t burn.) Remove the loaves and let them sit for a couple of minutes before you slice and serve. If you’re careful not to pierce the aluminum pans, you can reuse them several times. If any leftovers are going into the freezer, slice them into convenient portions first.

Now, there are many variations to meat loaf, but this is a good standard recipe that always pleases.

Canadians have no idea what meat loaf is supposed to taste like. I have found only mushy and tasteless meat loaf in restaurants up here. And there’s one restaurant up north somewhere that advertises their “famous” meat loaf seasoned with sage, of all things! Can you imagine anything more disgusting? Gag! Somebody educate these fools! You never, never, never put sage in meat loaf! Sage is absolutely incompatible with beef, and if you ever see such a thing on a menu, best to walk out. The one and only aromatic seasoning for meat loaf is dry mustard, got it?

What should you put on meat loaf? A little ketchup is okay, but don’t overdo it. (The Loblaw’s supermarket chain has a “President’s Choice” frozen meat loaf that is a tasteless meat loaf drowned in ketchup. Don’t make this mistake at home.) Really, the best thing to go on your meat loaf is an unpretentious brown gravy or mushroom gravy (not chicken gravy!).

Serve your meat loaf to your guests and you will know who’s okay and who isn’t. Girls who don’t like meat loaf are useless in bed and bad companions generally. Men who don’t like meat loaf are unmanly, un-American, and definitely untrustworthy.

Make your home a meat loaf home, and everyone in it will be happy and healthy. And please invite me to dinner. I long to see a lovely house with a front lawn and a backyard. I want to see several happy children at play. I want to see a perfect blue sky and smell the flower garden. I want to see the American flag flying in front of the house. And just when my empty stomach can wait no longer, mom will call everyone in for a meat loaf dinner.

Publisher’s note:

     I invoke my publisher’s privilege to comment that Crad neglects to say what one should serve with meat loaf. Mashed potatoes, asparagus, and applesauce, with rhubarb pie (no ice cream please — why do so many Americans put ice cream on top of their pie?) for dessert. And lots of whole milk to drink. If you are inviting me to a meat loaf dinner then that is what I would prefer. If you are inviting Crad then I guess you will have to ask him what he prefers. His phone number is below.



by Crad Kilodney

All material at Dead Man Talking/  is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.

Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9

Crad’s new writing is now at



Crad Kilodney for President by Crad Kilodney

Crad Kilodney for President by Crad Kilodney

January 2000


What America needs is a President who is a mean son of a bitch, and I’m it. Therefore, I am asking American voters to write in the name “Crad Kilodney” on their ballots in November. Although I have lived in Canada since 1973, I still have my U.S. citizenship, so I’m fully qualified. Furthermore, I am untainted by scandal, if you define it very narrowly.

Basically, my platform is pro-business. Business creates wealth, and Americans deserve to be rich because they are the world’s most superior people.

Here’s where I stand on important issues:

Foreign Aid

There will be no more foreign aid because it just gets stolen by gangs and corrupt officials anyway. Any country that is still wallowing in poverty after decades of foreign aid obviously needs to be governed better, so these countries will be invited to become American colonies. We take over, fix everything, and have a suitable dumping ground for people I want to get rid of.

Foreign Policy

Anybody who tries to jerk America around gets stomped.


Immigration will be based on physical beauty. What’s the point of letting in a lot of short, brown, ugly people who look like toads when there are millions of hot Russian and East European babes eager to emigrate to the West?

Human Cloning

Same policy as Immigration. Porn stars will be first in line.

Animal Rights

Animals have no right. Farmers and drug companies have rights. “AR” activists will be rounded up and sent to Guam, where they can make friends with the many interesting varieties of snakes.

Resource Development

Mining, forestry, and energy all rule! People in these industries are the best you’ll ever meet, not like those radical environmentalist bastards, who are going to find themselves in the middle of Alaska in February in their underwear. Fast-track permitting for all resource projects — 30 days max.

The Environment

It looks clean enough to me. Anyway, let local government worry about it.

Global Warming

It’s all the Brazilians’ fault for cutting down their rain forests. Anyway, there’s nothing you can do about it except take your summer vacations in Canada, where it’s somewhat cooler and you get about 45% premium on your U.S. dollars, except in certain donut shops that launder money for the Russian Mafia. Canada will benefit at first from global warming because farmers will have a longer growing season, but then the goddamn Indians will figure it’s something else they can sue the white man for.


More defense spending means a stronger America, and only traitors are against that. We don’t want to end up like the Canadians, who are flying 30-year-old helicopters that keep crashing.

Civil Rights

Obsolete issue. Forget it.


The main change will be that tobacco and booze will no longer be taxed. Hey, have a good time!


Any high school student who cannot pass a basic literacy test will be shot.

Drug Abuse

“Free drug” colonies will be established in remote areas, where addicts can go and live and get all the drugs they want for free. Eventually they’ll die, which is the whole idea.


Have Congress declare war on all criminal organizations, from local street gangs to the Mafia. That way we can use the Armed Forces to wipe them out and not worry about their Constitutional rights.


I live off the stock market, so I don’t know much about labor, except that I don’t like unions.


Hemp will be legalized as a cash crop. It’s versatile, easy to grow, and profitable. All legal actions against cigarette companies will be dropped to help out tobacco farmers. Americans will be encouraged to eat more of whatever we have too much of (“Put pork on your fork and you’ll have a big dork!”). Weird stuff like ostrich farming I don’t have a clue about.

Genetically Modified Food

If someone served it to you and didn’t tell you what it was, you couldn’t tell the difference, so what’s the problem?


Liberals will be offered a tax credit to take a homeless person into their own home for one year. Inevitably, one of them will kill the other, which is a win-win situation as far as I’m concerned.


Poverty is relative. If you say the poverty line is $10,000 a year for one person, you have so many poor people. If you lower it to $1,000 a year, you have a lot less. Anyway, the fact that they’re still alive means they’re getting money from somewhere, so forget about it.


We almost had a nuclear war because of that bearded cocksucker who gives 6-hour speeches and blames all his problems on the U.S., so fuck Cuba. What have they got that we need? Smoke White Owls — a good, cheap American cigar.


I bought a pair of shoes made in China, and the leather split after two weeks, so fuck the Chinese.

The Space Program

McDonald’s and Starbucks on the moon before the end of my second term! Go for it!

Third World Debt

Pay up, or send us your best-looking women.

The National Debt

Don’t worry about it, it’ll go down.

The Trade Deficit

Don’t worry about it, it’ll go down.

Social Security

Americans will be told to put their retirement money in the stock market and don’t worry about it. In the long run we’re all dead, but the stock market goes up, too.


If our medical schools would simply graduate a lot more doctors, the glut would bring prices down.

Presidential Morality

I intend to hire Monica Lewinsky as my live-in hostess, since I’m unmarried. She’s my type, and I haven’t had a blow job in six years.





by Crad Kilodney


All material at Dead Man Talking/  is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.


Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9

Crad’s new writing is now at