What to Do About Girls Who Give Out Fake Numbers by Crad Kilodney
Some of you girls think you’re very clever. You meet a man in a bar, and when he asks you for your phone number, you give him a fake one because you don’t like him. You could have told him no in a polite way, but you don’t know anything about manners. You don’t care how that nice man will feel when he calls the number you gave him and ends up with Mohammed’s Grocery, or some Tamil terrorist named Venmugalingam Thambapillai, or a voice mailbox for a company that rents forklifts, or, worst of all, a number that isn’t even in service.
Well, your number’s up, Sweetie, because this is what we’re going to do to you. If you give out a fake number to a nice man, you will be locked up in a motel room and forced to write the following sentence 50,000 times: “I will never again give a fake phone number to a nice man as long as I live.” Of course, you will have to take time off from work or school to write the sentences, but you should have thought of that first. And don’t whine about getting writer’s cramp or I’ll make it 100,000 times instead of 50,000.
After you have written the sentence 15,000 times, you will be allowed to have a visitor for one hour.
After 25,000 times, you will be allowed to order in any food you want, so long as you pay for it.
After 30,000 times, you will be allowed to watch TV for one hour.
After 40,000 times, you will be allowed to go for a walk under adult supervision and get a snack, but you must be back within an hour.
After 50,000 times, you will be finished. However, if you have cheated on the count, or if your handwriting is not legible, you will have to start over again.
If you break any of the rules or try to escape, you will be chained to the desk and have to start over. You will also lose the privileges I mentioned before.
Assuming you have done exactly what you were supposed to do, you will then find out where the man lives that you gave the fake phone number to, and you will write him a letter, apologizing for the mental pain you inflicted upon him. You will pay him $100 to read your letter. If you don’t have the money, you will have to borrow it or save it up from your pay or allowance.
You will also have to write a letter to your boss or principal, explaining why you missed a week of work or school (the exact time depends on you, but a week is probably the minimum for writing 50,000 sentences). If you’re in trouble because of the time you missed, you’ll just have to square it with your boss or principal, even if that means sexual favors.
And speaking of sex, if you would just put out when a nice man is interested in you, instead of being a deceitful bitch, you wouldn’t get into all this trouble with me. It’s really for your own good, so just accept it. Too bad if your hand hurts from so much writing. But just to prove what a nice guy I am, if you absolutely physically cannot finish 50,000 sentences, you can spread your legs for me or suck me off, and I’ll consider your debt to society paid. Just don’t make the same mistake twice, because the penalty goes up exponentially with each additional offense.
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Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9
— Crad’s new writing is now at CradKilodney.wordpress.com