Dead Man Talking

Crad Kilodney's archives

My Alien Encounter by Crad Kilodney

My Alien Encounter by Crad Kilodney

June 2001

I used to scoff at stories of alien encounters. Not any more. This is my story.

I was driving on a rural highway north of Toronto one evening a few months ago. A large bluish light appeared in the sky to my left. As it got closer, my engine died. The light came to rest on the ground. It was…a flying saucer! Two figures floated down from the bottom of the hull. They walked toward me. I was terrified. My body was strangely frozen. They looked sort of human but short, and they had large, bald heads and big eyes. They were dressed in silvery suits.

My car door was locked, but they opened it with a touch. “Do not be afraid,” they said to me telepathically. “You will please come with us.”

“Don’t hurt me!” I pleaded. “I don’t want to be experimented on!”

“You will not be experimented on,” they replied.

They held me lightly by the arms, and I seemed to float with my feet off the ground. When we got to the ship, we floated up through an open hatch. I found myself in a brightly-lit room. Everything was white, smooth, and clean. They had me sit in a soft seat.

“My name is Zor,” one of them said.

“My name is Bax,” said the other.

“So it’s true,” I said. “All those stories of people being taken away.”

“We have only borrowed humans for short periods for scientific study,” said Zor. “No one has been harmed. Our study of Earth people is nearly complete. Soon we will go on to another planet. However, there is still one thing we must learn about your people, something we have not yet been able to understand. It is a mystery to us. We want you to enlighten us.”

“Oh, I see,” I said, much relieved. “What do you want to know?”

“Please explain to us about the Gay Pride Parade,” said Bax. “We do not understand it. We have visited hundreds of inhabited planets and have never observed such a thing before.”

“The Gay Pride Parade?…Oh…well….I’ll try my best to explain it.” The two aliens stared at me in rapt attention, eyes unblinking. I collected my thoughts for a few seconds. “Well, to begin with, we have two sexes, male and female.”

“Yes, we know,” said Zor.

“Yes, of course…um…yes….Well, you see, some humans prefer to have sexual relations with their own sex.”

“We are aware of that,” said Bax. “It is a common trait among partly-civilized species.”

“Oh…okay…if you say so.”

“It is a genetic defect,” Bax continued. “That is the cause in every case. Did you not know that?”

“Uh, well, not really, although I believe you if you say it is.”

“Trust us,” said Bax. “We have a thorough knowledge of human biology.”

“Okay, fine,” I said. “Now, the term ‘gay’ is slang for homosexual.”

“We already know that,” said Bax, sounding a tad impatient.

“Good…Uh, and I suppose you know what pride is?”


“And I suppose you know what a parade is.”

“Yes, we know what a parade is,” said Bax with a hint of exasperation. “But we do not understand the concept of a Gay Pride Parade.”

I was momentarily stumped myself. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to seem stupid, so I forged ahead. “Okay, well…you see, gay people want to show everyone how proud they are.”

“Proud of what?” asked Zor. “That they practice non-reproductive sex with their own gender?”

“Well…not exactly…It’s more like….” I had to pause to think. I stroked my chin reflexively for a few seconds. “I’ll tell you what it really is. It’s purely political.”

“Do you mean political power?” asked Zor.

“Yes, that’s it. It’s all about power. Gays used to feel powerless, but over the years they’ve organized themselves to get power, and now they have a lot of it. So they have a parade every year to demonstrate their power.”

“What power do they have if they are a minority?” asked Bax.

“Well, no one wants to offend them.” The aliens looked at each other in obvious bewilderment. “You see, in my city and lots of other cities, there are enough gays that they can cause trouble if they don’t get their way. They can force the highest public officials to act sympathetic, even if they’re not.”

“But why is a parade necessary?” Bax persisted.

“They insist on it, so they get it,” I said. “Of course, they pretend it’s just a happy celebration, but it’s really a show of strength.”

“Now it is clearer,” said Zor, nodding. “You see, Bax, it is how they measure their increase of power.”

“Right,” I agreed.

“Ahh,” said Bax, nodding as well. “However, if they engage in deviant sex, do not the rest of your people recognize that this is abnormal?”

I took a deep breath. “Most people don’t know what’s normal or abnormal any more. I guess it’s like propaganda. Over time, you get used to it, so you just accept it. I guess our social values have changed. It’s considered a bad thing to call anyone abnormal.”

“So what you are telling us, in effect, is that a minority of your population that suffers from a genetic defect causing them to have sex with their own gender are able to gather in large numbers once a year in your city to demonstrate their political power, and the majority do not object?”


“Are they not aware that the male deviants insert their penises into each other’s anuses, and the females suck each other’s vulvas, and they reject child-bearing?”

“Of course, they’re aware.”

Bax shook his head in amazement.

“What is a chutney ferret?” asked Zor.

“A what?”

“Chutney ferret. What does that mean?”

“Oh, God….I don’t want to tell you in words. You’d better just read my mind.” I imagined it.

“Oh, how disgusting!” the aliens exclaimed.

“Sorry, but you wanted to know.”

Bax opened a drawer and took out a magazine. It was a gay magazine titled Sailor’s Delight. The cover showed a man wearing only a white sailor’s cap. “Why is this male wearing a headpiece?” he asked.

“It’s a sailor’s cap. It’s a standard part of a sailor’s uniform.”

“He means the oceanic military force,” Zor explained.

“Military force!” said Bax, alarmed. “Earth forces have nuclear weapons! The deviants control the military forces?”

“I didn’t say that,” I interjected quickly. “It’s just that, um…well…the, uh…male deviants…are sexually excited by military paraphernalia and symbolism.”

“Are they in the military forces as well?” asked Bax.

“Oh, absolutely.”

Zor and Bax looked at each other. Their eyes were blinking, which I had not noticed before. I detected a telepathic buzz between them. They were clearly disturbed.

Bax turned to me. “We are deeply concerned about your planet. It is in danger. I don’t think your people realize the danger.”

“Yes,” said Zor. “This Gay Pride Parade is a very ominous phenomenon. Is there no way to stop it?”

“Not a chance,” I said. “The gays have way too much power, and they get more very year. They change the laws, they dominate the media, and they crush their enemies.”

“But surely you do not approve,” Zor appealed to me. “We detect that you are normal.”

“Of course, I don’t approve. But what can I do?” Then I had a flash of inspiration. “You could help us! You could save the Earth!”

“How?” asked Zor.

“Destroy the Gay Pride Parade!”

Bax sighed. “It is not in our ethic to harm other intelligent beings.”

“But this is a special case, don’t you see? I’m pleading for help on behalf of the Earth — at least, the normal population! Isn’t it better that a few thousand should be eliminated to spare billions of others?” The aliens appeared to consider the matter. “They’ll control the nuclear weapons before long!” I pressed. “Soon they’ll be on the moon, and Mars! They’ll spread throughout the universe! It’s just a matter of time!”

Another telepathic buzz of alarm passed between the aliens. I sensed some legal terminology as well — something about a “Special Order.”

Zor turned to me. “When is the next Gay Pride Parade in your city?”

“The first weekend in July, if you’re familiar with our calendar.”

“Yes. We will make our preparations for then,” said Zor firmly. “Do not go near the parade. Stay in your home. You will be safe.”

“And when you’re finished, will everything be…okay?

“Everything will be…quite normal,” said Bax, smiling.

“He has made a joke,” Zor explained. I smiled. “Now we will return you to your vehicle.”

Bax took a little wand from his pocket. “You will not remember –”

“No, it’s all right,” said Zor, pushing Bax’s wand away. “This subject is intelligent, and he has been extremely helpful.”

I was led to the hatch and, as before, we floated down, and I was floated across the field with the aliens holding me gently. I was returned to my car. Zor closed the door and then leaned in the window. “Although your people are only partly-civilized, we appreciate some aspects of your culture. Your television show Star Trek is very popular on our planet. It is considered extremely humorous.”

“Captain Kirk is the most famous Earthman on our planet,” added Bax.

“I’ll tell William Shatner if I ever meet him,” I said cheerfully.

“And we like your females with artificially enlarged breasts,” said Bax. “We hope…um…you will have excellent reproductive intercourse with many of them until your hair has turned grey and has fallen out.”

“He has made another joke,” explained Zor, “although his expression was imprecise.”

“That’s okay. I appreciate it.”

“Your vehicle will operate normally when our ship departs,” said Zor.

The aliens left me, and I watched them walk back to their ship and float up through the hatch. Within a minute, the craft rose gracefully and flew off into the night.

Well, it’s June now. I’ve got my eye on the calendar. I’m crossing off each day with growing anticipation. It won’t be long now.





All material at  is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.


Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9

— Crad’s new writing is now at


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