Welcome to the first-ever Canadian Dickhead of the Year Contest! In this event we pay tribute to Canadian dickheads who made themselves newsworthy in the preceding year, and invite you to pick the winner. We expect to make this an annual event that will generate huge publicity. Of course, there’s nothing in it for us except the satisfaction of elevating Canada’s profile as a rich source of dickheads.
You don’t have to be Canadian to participate. If you’re reading this, you can vote. We want you to pick a first, second, and third choice from our list of nominees. Your first choice will be weighted 3 points, your second choice 2 points, and your third choice 1 point. We also invite your editorial comments. E-mail your votes and comments to
firstname.lastname@example.org. The winner and runners-up will be announced in April, along with your juiciest comments.
Voting closes at 11 P.M., Eastern Time, March 16, 2003, to allow us time to tabulate your votes and sift through your comments. Please don’t vote more than once.
Now, here they are: our nominees for Canadian Dickhead of the Year!
- A) Michel Thibodeau
- This federal government employee filed a $500,000 suit against Air Canada because he could not order a 7-Up in French. Despite being fully bilingual, he insisted on speaking in French to the flight attendants, who only spoke English. He repeatedly demanded to speak to the captain, and after he started yelling, the cops were called to meet the Montreal-Ottawa flight. No charges were laid. (Source: Ottawa Citizen)
- B) Steve Mann
- This Univ. of Toronto engineering professor who refers to himself as a “cyborg” is also suing Air Canada for one million dollars because he was prevented from boarding a flight while wearing his computerized glasses, headgear, and electronic body suit. He was also strip-searched. When told he could not board the plane, he insisted he could not remove the items for medical reasons. He was told to produce a doctor’s note. The next day he returned with the note, but skeptical airport officials carried out a thorough search anyway. Mann says he was bleeding after electrodes were removed from his chest and he had to ride in a wheelchair after collapsing during the strip-search. His lawyer told the press, “We are going to argue that Professor Mann was discriminated against because he is a cyborg.” (Source: Ottawa Citizen)
- C) Jesse Power & Anthony Wennekers (counts as one vote)
- These two young film-makers produced a 10-minute video in which they skinned a cat alive, decapitated it, and disemboweled it. They claimed it was a performance art project. Power, a student at the Ontario College of Art, said the video was an artistic statement about the suffering of animals used for meat. Both men were convicted of cruelty to animals and mischief. (Source: Reuters)
- D) Bruce Proulx
- This Alberta lawyer was disbarred for charging five orphans a 40% contingency fee to collect money from the Workers’ Compensation Board after their father was killed in an accident. The hearing committee of the Law Society of Alberta observed that there was no risk and little work involved in collecting the money and that it should have cost no more than $4,000. Proulx billed the children $66,000. (Source: Edmonton Journal)
- E) Unidentified Juvenile
- This 15-year-old boy can’t be named under Canada’s Young Offender Act, but that doesn’t stop us from nominating him. He derailed a Via Rail passenger train as it passed through Stewiacke, Nova Scotia, injuring dozens of people and causing millions of dollars in damage. He was sentenced to six months. Judge Corrine Sparks noted that since the crash, the boy had been reprimanded at a new school at least three times for threatening teachers, intimidating younger students, and using vulgar sexual language. (Source: Canadian Press)
- F) Svend Robinson
- Member of Parliament for Burnaby-Douglas, B.C., and Canada’s preeminent in-your-face homosexual socialist politician, Robinson is a perennial dickhead. Last year the New Democratic Party member traveled to the Palestinian Authority to show his solidarity with Yasser Arafat. He also held a news conference in which he accused Israel of “state-sponsored terrorism.” This is the same dickhead who previously participated in the anti-globalization protest in Quebec City and threatened to sue police for damaging his pants. Fellow NDP-er Bob Rae, former Premier of Ontario, has called Robinson a “histrionic crank.” (Source: National Post)
- G) Foster Griezic
- A retired history professor from Carleton University in Ottawa, Griezic put a noteworthy spin on the discovery of the wreckage of a Japanese midget sub at the bottom of Pearl Harbor. History buffs will remember that just before the air raid, Japan attempted to penetrate the harbor with several midget subs. One was spotted and sunk by the destroyer USS Ward. According to Griezic, all this proves that America did not enter the war as a matter of self-defense but in fact fired first! “To me, the real significance is that the Americans are typically warmongers.” Carleton University is not one of Canada’s highly-ranked institutions of learning and is not known for much of anything, except possibly its journalism school. (Source: National Post)
- H) Bonnie Brown
- This Ontario Liberal Member of Parliament denounced President Bush, saying he had provided no evidence that Iraq posed a threat and said an attack on Iraq would be insulting to World War II veterans. She compared any bombing of Iraq with the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, which she said was also “pre-emptive.” The Liberals are not in power in Ontario at the present time, thank God. (Source: National Post)
- I) Omar Khadr
- This Toronto-born teenager was captured in Afghanistan by U.S. forces following a gun battle. The U.S. military says the youth killed an American medic with a hand grenade. At last report, he was being detained at Guantanamo and was cooperating with authorities. His father, Ahmed Khadr, is wanted for suspected ties to al-Qaeda. (Source: National Post)
- J) Lucille Poulin
- This 78-year-old former nun and self-proclaimed prophet of God was convicted of child abuse in Prince Edward Island, where she ran a religious commune. The court heard evidence of child labor and brainwashed parents who submitted to Poulin’s threats. The wacko ex-nun would strike children up to fourteen times with a rod or paddle for taking a cookie. An 8-year-old boy was struck because he was too afraid to tell anyone he had wet his bed. The children were home-schooled and cut off from outside society. Married couples were forbidden from sleeping together, and boys had their zippers permanently sewn shut. Severe daily beatings were the norm. After her conviction, Poulin told the court, “I thank God that I have been faithful to the mandate God gave me.” The judge decided counseling would be of no use and sentenced Poulin to 8 months. She did not file an appeal. (Source: Ottawa Citizen, National Post)
Well, those are our dickhead nominees. I’m sure we’ve overlooked a few people, but there’s always next year.
Sorry, no write-ins are allowed. Pick three from our list, in your order of preference, and feel free to make personal comments.
- Michel Thibodeau (ordered 7-Up in French)
- Steve Mann (cyborg)
- Jesse Power & Anthony Wennekers (cat-skinning video)
- Bruce Proulx (charged orphans $66,000)
- Unidentified Juvenile (derailed a train)
- Svend Robinson (gay politician supporting Yasser Arafat)
- Foster Griezic (says U.S. fired first in WW II)
- Bonnie Brown (denounced U.S. military action in Iraq)
- Omar Khadr (killed American medic in Afghanistan)
- Lucille Poulin (child-abusing ex-nun)
Once again, the e-mail address is:
email@example.com. Deadline: 11 P.M., March 16, 2003. Winners announced in April. Everyone who casts a vote will receive an email in April to say how they voted (so that you know we counted your vote properly) and telling them the final results.
(Help us pick next year’s nominees! Save news clippings on Canadian dickheads you would like us to consider. Make sure all clippings or other documents have the date and source indicated. More on this in April.)
by Crad Kilodney
All material at Dead Man Talking/ www.cradkilodneyarchives.wordpress.com is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.
Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9
Crad’s new writing is now at CradKilodney.wordpress.com