Dead Man Talking

Crad Kilodney's archives

Apartment Building Rules by Crad Kilodney

Apartment Building Rules by Crad Kilodney

February 2003


  • For those unfamiliar with flush toilets, they are used for personal relief only, not for disposal of food waste. If we have to pull chicken bones out of your toilet, we will kick your brown ass back to Bungalunga, or wherever the hell you came from.
  • Organic waste and non-recyclable garbage are to be enclosed securely in plastic bags and put in the garbage bins in the back. In this country, you do not leave your garbage in the hallway for persons of a lower caste to take it away for you, because there is no caste here lower than yours.
  • The blue bins are for recycling glass, metal, and plastic. This applies to containers and packaging only, such as jars, cans, and plastic jugs. It does not apply to broken glass from your car, computers, TV’s, coat hangers, pieces of machinery, or junk your kids brought home.
  • The grey bins are for recycling newspapers, cardboard, or anything made from wood-based fiber. Is Styrofoam a wood-based fiber? Is there such a thing as a Styrofoam tree? And don’t put in cartons of food with the food still in them, or pieces of broken furniture, moron.
  • What you cook is your business, and frankly, we’d rather not know what kind of disgusting slumgum you eat. But if it smells like dead dogs, you’d better not open your door to vent the smell into the hallway, or we’ll kick your dumb ass back to Fungolia.
  • Don’t slam your fucking door or play your music too loud.
  • Don’t throw beer bottles from the balcony, because we can trace the pieces back to the apartment they came from by rocket science.
  • The clothes washers are the ones that are connected to the water taps. The dryers are the ones connected to the air ducts. We realize this is hard for you because you don’t have such things in Boogaland. If you’re not sure, ask a white person. And another thing: don’t come to us and complain that the washer or dryer ruined your clothes and you want us to pay for new ones. Anybody tries that scam with us, we kick his ass back to Zumbawumba.
  • Any druggies caught in the stairwell will have the shit kicked out of them, no matter how cold it is outside.
  • If you fall behind in your rent more than one month, we get to fuck your wife, girlfriend, or daughter. Otherwise, we just break in when we feel like it and bust your ass.
  • We are responsible for the repair and maintenance of your apartment, but don’t come to us for lightbulbs and fuses. You can buy them across the street at the Paki bargain store. If you could afford the plane fare from Jigazooga, you can afford a fucking light bulb.
  • If we see too many guys with beards going in and out of your place, we will assume the worst and report you to the relevant authorities. And don’t stick any sign, emblem, flag, or picture in your window that is even remotely related to terrorism, or we won’t even bother to report you; we’ll just beat the crap out of you and ship you back to Moolahgoolah in a box.
  • If you hear the fire alarm, follow your nose and see if there’s an actual fire or just somebody’s cooking that set off a smoke detector. If it’s a real fire, dial 911 and try to remember where you live. If it’s a false alarm, forget about it. Mike in 4A has the key to the alarm box and will reset it, which you could never figure out how to do in a million years. If you’re totally in a panic, call Immigration and say you’ve changed your mind and want to go back to Gujaluga.
  • If your children are unruly or destructive, they will be given flying lessons from the roof.
  • Nude sunbathing is not your constitutional right. We will decide on a case-by-case basis who is allowed to do it.


by Crad Kilodney



All material at Dead Man Talking/  is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.

Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9

Crad’s new writing is now at




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