Dead Man Talking

Crad Kilodney's archives

Talking to Voice-Broker by Crad Kilodney

Talking to Voice-Broker by Crad Kilodney

September 2000

 

“Hello….Welcome to Voice-Broker….Please speak your access number to begin at Main Menu.”

“Nine….one….two….one….seven….six.”

“Thank you….Your access number has been verified….Would you like Quotes, Market Update, Account Inquiry, or Order Entry?”

“Quotes.”

“Would you like Canadian Equities, U.S. Equities, Options, or Canadian Mutual Funds?”

“U.S. Equities.”

“Please speak a U.S. company name or index.”

“Bugger Little Schoolgirls!”

“…Butler Manufacturing…”

“Heh, heh, heh!”

“…Last price, 21½…down 1/16…downtick…volume, 7,100…bid, 21½…ask, 21 and 9/16…bid lots, 14…ask lots, 21….Next company or Main Menu.”

“Suck My Cock!”

“…Sunoco…”

“Ha, ha! This is fun!”

“…Last price, 26 and 5/8…up 3/8…uptick…volume, 435,700…bid, 26 and 9/16…ask, 26 and 5/8…bid lots, 130…ask lots, 70….Next company or Main Menu.”

“I Lick Wendy Whopper’s Tits!”

“…Illinois Tool Works…”

“Heh, heh!”

“…Last price, 59 and 1/8…no change…downtick…volume,390,100…bid, 59 and 1/8…ask, 59¼…bid lots, 60…ask lots, 75….Next company or Main Menu.”

“Ass-Whipping Orgy!”

“…Ashworth…”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“…Last price, 5 and 3/8…down 1/8…downtick…volume, 17,500…bid, 5 and 3/8…ask, 5½…bid lots, 45…ask lots, 55…Next company or Main Menu.”

“Ride My Stiffie!”

“…Ryder Systems…”

“What an idiot!”

“…Last price, 21…down 1½…downtick…volume, 260,200…bid, 21…ask, 21 and 1/16…bid lots, 20…ask lots, 280….Next company or Main Menu.”

“Juicy Teenage Cunt!”

“…Genesco…”

“This is too much!”

“…Last price, 14 and 7/16…up ½…uptick…volume, 51,100…bid, 14 and 3/8…ask, 14 and 7/16…bid lots, 140…ask lots, 20….Next company or Main Menu.”

“Stick My Rod In a Ten-Year-Old Virgin’s Slit and Blast a Hot Load Into Her While I Ram a Dildo Up Her Tight Little Asshole and Chew Her Nipples In My Underground Sex Dungeon on Halloween!”

“…Please hold on…”

“Yeah, process that, dumb-ass computer!”

“…Please hold on…”

“This should be good, heh, heh!”

“…Stillwater Mining…”

“Hey, one of my stocks. Far out.”

“…Last price, 5½…”

“WHAT?”

“…Down 24½…”

“WHAT’S HAPPENING?”

“…Downtick…volume, 8,650,300…bid, 5 and 3/8…”

“Oh, Christ!”

“…Ask, 5½…”

“I’m gonna be sick!”

“…Bid lots, 3…ask lots, 900…”

“SELL! GET ME OUT!”

“…Next company or Main Menu.”

“I’M GETTING KILLED!”

“…International Game Technologies…”

“NO! NO! GET ME OUT OF STILLWATER!”

“…Last price, 29 and 5/16…no change…”

“STOP! GO BACK!”

“…Uptick…volume, 91,600…”

“I’m gonna lose everything!”

“…Bid, 29¼…ask, 29 and 5/16…”

“HURRY UP, YOU SONOFABITCH!”

“…Bid lots, 52…ask lots, 30…”

“Gotta sell! Gotta sell! Gotta sell!”

“…Next company or Main Menu.”

“M-M-MAIM-MAN-MAIMENU-MENU!”

“…Sorry, I didn’t understand you.”

“Main…menu!”

“Would you like Quotes, Market Update, Account Inquiry, or Order Entry? “

“Order Entry!”

“Would you like Canadian Equities, U.S. Equities, Options, or Canadian Mutual Funds? “

“U.S. Equities!”

“Please state the account type…for example, Canadian Cash.”

“U.S. Margin!”

“U.S. Margin….Please speak a U.S. company name or index.”

“STILLWATER MINING!”

“…Still Wanking My Monkey….Sorry, this request cannot be found….”

“Good grief!”

“…Please speak a U.S. company name or index.”

“Still-water…Mi-ning.”

“…She’ll Wet Her Nylons…”

“No! No! No!”

“…Sorry, this request cannot be found…”

“Oh, please, God, save me!”

“…Please speak a U.S. company name or index. “

“STILLWATERMINING! STILLWATERMINING!”

“…Stick A Wad In A Nun….Sorry, this request cannot be found….Please speak a U.S. company name or index.”

“(Sob!)…Stillwater…(sob!)…Mining…(sob!)…please!”

“…Slob Gurgle My Peepees….Sorry, this request cannot be found….”

“Oh, God, it’s four o’clock!”

“…Caution…the markets are closed for the day…Say ‘Continue’ if you wish to enter an order for the next business day….Otherwise, return to Main Menu.”

“……Main…menu…(sniff)…”

“Would you like Quotes, Market Update, Account Inquiry, or Order Entry?”

“……Suicide.”

“Sorry, I didn’t understand you.”

“……It’s all over……I’m wiped out.”

“Sorry, I didn’t understand you.”

“Save a slab at the morgue for me. I’m next.”

“Do you wish to exit from Voice-Broker?”

“I wish to exit from life.”

“Thank you for using Voice-Broker….Goodbye.”

 

 

 

 

by Crad Kilodney

 

All material at Dead Man Talking/ www.cradkilodneyarchives.wordpress.com  is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.
Crad166@yahoo.com

 

Crad Kilodney, P.O. Box 72577, 345 Bloor St. East, Unit 7, Toronto, ON, M4W 3S9

Crad’s new writing is now at CradKilodney.wordpress.com

 

 

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