Dead Man Talking

Crad Kilodney's archives

How To Serve Gerry Kaufman, Attorney by Crad Kilodney









ll material at is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved. — Crad’s new writing is now at



Gerry Kaufman, an attorney specializing in wills and estates, who practises in Suffolk County, New York, may be considered an exotic food, in the same category as snake, rat, weasel, or blowfish. However, with the right preparation, he can be served to special guests or to satisfy one’s own appetite for revenge. To be sure, the taste is an acquired one and can only be appreciated by those who have been swindled, betrayed, or otherwise mistreated by any despicable lawyer.

Gerry Kaufman is best killed by a bullet to the head. The brain is inedible anyway, owing to chemical contaminants. An alternative method of slaughter is decapitation. The head may then be waterproofed with silicone and used as an amusing doorstep ornament on Halloween.

Laying Kaufman flat on his back, hack off the arms and legs. Then plunge a sharp knife into the upper chest, cut down to the pubic bone, and make lateral cuts to expose the internal organs. These are inedible and should be bagged in plastic and buried in front of the Suffolk County Bar Association.

The remaining meat may be butchered in the same fashion as a beef or hog carcass. The meat is naturally slimy, which gives Gerry Kaufman his peculiar character.

The secret of preparing Kaufman is to cook him in the fat of Carol Apostolopoulos, owner of Angelino’s Restaurant on Jericho Tpke. in Westbury, New York. Chefs call this method of cooking “collusion.” Only such collusion does justice to the exotic tastes of these two foods.

Carol Apostolopoulos has always been considered inedible, owing to the densely packed excrement and putrescent matter inside her. Indeed, biologists have been amazed that such a creature could function and appear outwardly normal. But Carol Apostolopoulos dominates her habitat thanks to her big mouth, vulgarity, belligerence, deceit, and money, and she is “enabled” by certain sub-species, including estate administrators, bank managers, and Greek contractors willing to write fraudulent receipts for home renovations.

Only the fat of Carol Apostolopoulos can be used. One method of preparing the carcass is to insert a hose in the mouth, enlarge the anus with a large incision, and wash out the foul insides with water pressure. However, this is a messy procedure that will ruin your backyard. The better way is to cut the fatty tissue off the carcass carefully. Do not pierce the body cavity. Simply cut off the thick layer of fat, as you would with a whale. Put all the fat in a cauldron and render it down at a moderate heat. Filter the fat through a cheesecloth and save it in containers. It keeps well in a refrigerator and may be taken out as needed. With assorted cuts of Kaufman in a large freezer and an ample supply of Carol’s fat, you’ll have the makings of many meals!

To pan-fry Kaufman, place the meat in a skillet with Carol’s fat and cook slowly over moderate heat until well done. Season with salt, pepper, and oregano.

Roasting also works well. Place a roast-sized piece of Kaufman in a deep roasting pan and lard it liberally with Carol’s fat. Add salt, pepper, and oregano. Baste at regular intervals so that the taste of Carol’s fat flavors the meat thoroughly. Allow 40 minutes per pound at 350 degrees for a well-done roast.

Broiling is less successful as Kaufman can’t take direct heat.

Serve these dishes with anything stolen, such as food pilfered from a federal anti-poverty program that has found its way into Angelino’s. For a beverage, choose any strong red wine to aid digestion.

Don’t be surprised if your pets flee the kitchen and refuse to eat any table scraps you may offer them. Cats and dogs are innocent and have no experience of anything as malodorous and unnatural as Gerry Kaufman and Carol Apostolopoulos.





Crad Kilodney

ll material at is copyright © by Crad Kilodney. All rights reserved.

— Crad’s new writing is now at

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